Scared of loving you in bits
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
I am scared of loving you in bits.
When I was younger, I loved with all my heart. My senses were alert to the needs of my lover. All you needed to do was breathe, and I would immediately sense your need.
One heartbreak and many would-have-been later, I have found myself falling for you. I get giddy at the prospect of us talking at the end of the day. Your voice sends shivers down my spine. And when you chuckle? Damn! I fall all over again. Moreso, the thought of us having kids and watching you bask in your masculinity as a father and a husband excites me. But, when I look at you, I am scared of loving you in bits.
What if you are like other would-have-beens? What if you decide to unlove me tomorrow? What will happen to this sweet soup of love I have so delicately prepared for us? And if you break my heart, will I be able to love again? Will I be able to look at another man and yearn for him? Will my innocence be taken away from me this time without even an ounce left for my possession?
They say we suffer a lot in our heads. But isn’t it wise to consider every possible outcome and make a concrete decision? I am scared of loving you in bits.
I want to write love letters to you but I fear you will laugh at my oldie nature. I want to hug you whenever we meet but I fear you might get so used to my body scent that it will repulse you. I want to hold your hands when you are in doubt and speak life into you but I cringe at the thought of it. I mean, what if you start laughing midway? I want to cook for you. I don’t like to cook but for you, I will throw that dislike out of the window.
I am scared of loving you in bits.
Maybe the reason I am scared is because I don’t want you to love me in bits too. I want the full package. Raw, organic, and undiluted. Yet, you have never given me a reason to doubt your love. So why am I scared?
Maybe the reason I am scared is because of the fault in our stars. This love of ours may not live for long. Maybe we were never meant to be because of our differences. Differences set by society to divide lovers and create unhappy individuals. But, what is society to decide our fate? We make our fate.
So, I will throw that fear out of the window. I’ll find the courage to give you all that I expect from you even if it is for a short while. I would resent myself if I had to look back and see the love lapses I created due to fear. Even though our future together is yet to be decided, I’ll love you regardless. I’ll love you in full.
Obim, I am no longer scared of loving you in bits.
