Who am I?
Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.–Lao Tzu.
When you stop trying to create a persona for yourself and start accepting who he says you are, that is called giving life a KO.
I have been told amazing things about myself but never believed them. Even when my mum looks at me with so much affection in her eyes and calls me beautiful, I still don’t think so.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I am ugly, far from it. The reason is I have promised myself never to hold anyone’s opinion of me higher than mine. Therefore, all negative and positive opinions are met with an instant wall built with steel and bronze.
Until I say and agree I am something, nothing changes.
Lately, however, I have been discovering much about myself, and it seems the law of compound effect is at work. While I am focused intently on my company, other areas of my life are also improving.
Putting into practice lessons from life experiences and the books I am reading has been one hell of a game-changer. It is exciting and mind-blowing to see the woman I am becoming unveil herself one skin shed at a time.
But again, who am I?
Am I a nurse, a writer, a company owner, a friend, etc? Who am I?
For someone who comes off as snobbish and confident behind the keyboards, I have struggled with low self-esteem for a long time. The majority of my teenage years were spent modelling after feminity gurus. But it didn’t work out. So I dove neck deep into zodiac signs and a little bit of tarot readings, but it didn’t answer the question.
Then I had an era where I felt unworthy to be in certain rooms, even when I worked my ass off to be there. Then, I saw myself giving more to people because, in my head, I figured loving them would make them love me. And if that’s the case, then maybe, just maybe, I will become Anita the beloved. It didn’t work out.
Then, I won full ownership of my company fair and square, but somehow felt like a fraud. I had anxiety-induced questions like ‘Who do you think you are, and what makes you think you can run this company successfully?’ for days. And then, I almost gave my company up because my people-pleasing side was beginning to kick in. Maybe it won’t be bad to trade my company for some company. I didn’t. My brain wouldn’t let me.
I have seen myself go from super confident to whatever the opposite of that is in 3 seconds, and I wouldn’t say I like that feeling.
I am glad to say that the low self-esteem is gradually wearing off. It will take some time, but I will wait. I want to see how magnificent this flower is going to be.
So now, whenever I feel a tinge of lack of confidence, I say godfidence, provoking bible verses to remind myself of who I am.
You see, that’s the problem right there. I have focused so much on who I am and my abilities. I have tried so hard but unconsciously to have a personality outside of Christ. To attach myself to a profession, a hobby, or a company. However, each time I have faced people in real life, I crumbled like a pack of cards.
There is a way Ma Awosika describes it. She says, ‘I am not a businesswoman; I am a Child of God in business,’ and that’s on GOD.
Before now, there were days when ‘I am beautiful because of my bodily features’ would turn to ‘Eww, look at how big my lips are’ or ‘Why are my eyes almost Asian?’
And my, ‘I get shit done’ mantra would turn to ‘yeah, look at me running away from my problems’ or ‘Who the hell do you think you are?’
And the list goes on and on.
Today, I acknowledge who I am, and He is the foundation of who I am.
I am more than I think I am. And I will thrive in my journey.
Plugging in this song by Todd Galberth and Tasha Cobbs Leonard called Fear is not my future. Pay close attention to the lyrics.
So, who am I? I am His.
Question: Who are you?
Let me know in the comments.
